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A Living Nightmare

The exact words my mother kept saying today ‘Feels like I’m living in a nightmare’. Today made me realise how important it really is to stand your ground and how just being there for someone can mean so much.

I did not really think I had done alot, I was just with my mother but to her this meant everything. It is crazy how such a little thing can make such a big difference to someone else and shows how when we have the chance to actually no let me rephrase that..WHEN we make the time to we must always make sure we are there for those important people in our lives.

I have noticed alot more recently how as I am growing up I am feeling the need to be protective over my parents and take care of them like they have done for me my whole life. Honestly if you have ever seen your mother broken you will be able to understand how utterly soul destroying it is. When you know there is literally nothing you can say to help and you yourself feel completely useless.

But then again just being there sometimes does help, well it did in this case anyway. My mother has always been such a strong character who never showed weakness and there was nothing in my eyes she could not do. Now I do not know if its just because I am more aware of her as more than just ‘my mum’ but as an individual who does actually have emotions, who does get hurt and sometimes does not know how to deal with a situation. She is vulnerable, in a different way to how I am but she is still vulnerable to get hurt and feel pain. This superwoman figure does sometimes need supporting herself.

Again this emphasizes to me how much we can just think people are ok because they look it. The amount of times I have just wanted to break down, the amount of things that have happened I have never spoken about but its all cool because all I have to do is smile and laugh, its almost too easy hiding it. We are all really just actors on a stage, acting different faces to an ‘audience’ but we all have that behind the scenes self that we never actually truly show to anyone. People are good at hiding their emotions, that girl who posts bikini selfies and everything thinks is up herself is probably very insecure. It is such an old saying ‘You cant judge a book by its cover‘ but it still rings true and is a quote I will forever keep with me. Be nice. Dont judge.

I have also learnt how having friends who are solicitors/lawyers is really good when dealing in a situation with a difficult businessman. Who at first just saw 2 weak girls he thought he could take advantage of, but then the minute its mentioned we have contacted our solicitor and know our rights. How they suddenly change their whole story/persona and actually start acting like a decent human being, again just acting out a different face. So yeh if you have not already go make friends with someone who works in the Law area, because the minute you mention the law is on your side and you know your rights its funny how someone then starts to actually take you seriously.

It is probably such a repetitive addition in my blogs but having good mates has literally been critical in my life. Last night I met two of my girl mates and I just love how comfortable we all are talking about everything and anything with each other. Even if some of it is me having to listen to how much of an embarrassment I was at the weekend when we were out. Sometimes I would rather just not know…

It is also really weird because I have such intense dreams, sometimes they are so life like that even when I have been awake for awhile I will think it has actually happened. For example I had this dream where this person had sent me this really lovely text message(a person I liked of course) but then got really confused because I could not find it on my phone. Then I realised I had dreamt it and got annoyed because I had actually been so flattered but it was just my dreams getting one over on me. Last nights dream I was with the person I really like, I have been trying to get him out of my head because I know how bad for you it is to get caught up with someone. But in the dream it all just felt amazing, everything just seemed to fall into place. I definitely do over analyze my dreams, my friends and I used to use dream dictionaries to figure out their meanings and I could literally sit for hours talking about that stuff it really does fascinate me.So yeh it makes me think, is this my conscience telling me to just man up, just tell him exactly how I feel and put my guard down for the first time ever. This is such a scary thing to do and something we all experience, some of us are a lot braver than others and can just do it. But for me that opening up, that letting the guard down, wearing my heart on my sleeve just means I am so vulnerable. So open to just get hurt. I know pain is only temporary but it is just human instinct to want to avoid pain. But part of being alive is getting hurt and inevitably it is going to happen. It is like when I get on my horse it is not a matter of ‘if’ I fall off but rather ‘when’ because it is going to happen that is just the risk you have to take.

So basically, always support those close to you and remember we are all human beings who feel emotions. We are going to get hurt but it is how we overcome this pain as to how it shapes us as people. Oh and I have weird dreams and I love my mates.

P.S managed 5 days without social media !

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