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Wild Saturday Night…In

So yeh, its a saturday night and I am currently in bed transcribing recorded conversations for my dissertation. When did I become so boring? Or should I say I’m becoming more responsible because here I am actually doing Uni work rather than just going out. Even though it is such a depressing thought to think this time last week I was In Newcastle about to embark on an eventful/dramatic night out(would not have it any other way with my mates). It is actually pretty crazy what happens within my friendship group, like you could not make it up. Maybe I will discuss some of the dramas in later blogs, something to look forward to….maybe.

The only thing getting me through this is knowing that this is all temporary, in a few months uni will be done forever. That is an absolutely terrifying thought especially for someone who is clueless about what to do with their life once Uni is finished with.

Honestly if I got a pound for every time someone asked me ‘What are your plans for after University?’ I wouldn’t need any, I’d have enough money! It has literally got to that point when its like ‘No comment, next conversation please’. Dont get me wrong I am looking into my options but it is so hard to actually commit to something for what feels like the rest of my life. However I do have a very open mind and I’m hoping without the distraction of social media I’ll start to get more focus on my potential career choices.

I envy those people who have always had a clear focus and clear path leading them to their chosen area. I do want to become like that I just do not think I have found ‘my calling’, sometimes you do just fall upon something and I am hoping by looking into different areas/contacting different people something will just slap me in the face and I’ll be like. Yes this is it. This is what I am destined to do.

In terms of the no social media, it has nearly been a week and I am still actually enjoying being away from it all. I have been falling asleep so much better, before it would take me hours to properly fall asleep and I think that may be because I’d ‘check'(and by check I mean lie in bed for hours scrolling) my phone. They say you should never go on your phone before bed and I think this does actually ring true so I am going to continue this even when I get my apps back.

I am still however curious, curious as to what I am missing and whether people have actually noticed my absence(probably not I dont really post often). This basically says to me that I am still getting caught up in other peoples actions and definitely need more time away from it all. I am going to try and get one of my research projects complete before I download all the apps or atleast stay of it for another 3 weeks. I think 1 month away is pretty good going and I have surprised alot of my friends by already managing this long.

I do not really have anything explicit to report today but I just look forward to writing in my blog, even though I ramble and do not share everything it is sometimes good to just be able to reflect on the day. Oh but I do keep dreaming about the guy I like, which is frustrating me even more because I just want to get him of my mind and I do not know what more I can do when I’ve deleted all ways to contact him. Catching feelings sucks when it is just obviously not meant to be. If anyone has any decent tips on how to tackle this problem I would love to hear them!

In the meantime, mother and I are off to try a horse out tomorrow which will fingers crossed by the perfect match for mother. Then I am back to Uni but only briefly as we do have the week of, I am mainly looking forward to seeing my Uni girls because they are honestly the craziest/sassiest/funniest group of girls in my life. They have defo helped me grow as an individual and most importantly never judge me for my actions. Stick with people who like you for you and do not change for anyone! Trust me on this one, it is better to have a small close group of friends then a load of fake ones.

Ciao for now x

 

 

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A Living Nightmare

The exact words my mother kept saying today ‘Feels like I’m living in a nightmare’. Today made me realise how important it really is to stand your ground and how just being there for someone can mean so much.

I did not really think I had done alot, I was just with my mother but to her this meant everything. It is crazy how such a little thing can make such a big difference to someone else and shows how when we have the chance to actually no let me rephrase that..WHEN we make the time to we must always make sure we are there for those important people in our lives.

I have noticed alot more recently how as I am growing up I am feeling the need to be protective over my parents and take care of them like they have done for me my whole life. Honestly if you have ever seen your mother broken you will be able to understand how utterly soul destroying it is. When you know there is literally nothing you can say to help and you yourself feel completely useless.

But then again just being there sometimes does help, well it did in this case anyway. My mother has always been such a strong character who never showed weakness and there was nothing in my eyes she could not do. Now I do not know if its just because I am more aware of her as more than just ‘my mum’ but as an individual who does actually have emotions, who does get hurt and sometimes does not know how to deal with a situation. She is vulnerable, in a different way to how I am but she is still vulnerable to get hurt and feel pain. This superwoman figure does sometimes need supporting herself.

Again this emphasizes to me how much we can just think people are ok because they look it. The amount of times I have just wanted to break down, the amount of things that have happened I have never spoken about but its all cool because all I have to do is smile and laugh, its almost too easy hiding it. We are all really just actors on a stage, acting different faces to an ‘audience’ but we all have that behind the scenes self that we never actually truly show to anyone. People are good at hiding their emotions, that girl who posts bikini selfies and everything thinks is up herself is probably very insecure. It is such an old saying ‘You cant judge a book by its cover‘ but it still rings true and is a quote I will forever keep with me. Be nice. Dont judge.

I have also learnt how having friends who are solicitors/lawyers is really good when dealing in a situation with a difficult businessman. Who at first just saw 2 weak girls he thought he could take advantage of, but then the minute its mentioned we have contacted our solicitor and know our rights. How they suddenly change their whole story/persona and actually start acting like a decent human being, again just acting out a different face. So yeh if you have not already go make friends with someone who works in the Law area, because the minute you mention the law is on your side and you know your rights its funny how someone then starts to actually take you seriously.

It is probably such a repetitive addition in my blogs but having good mates has literally been critical in my life. Last night I met two of my girl mates and I just love how comfortable we all are talking about everything and anything with each other. Even if some of it is me having to listen to how much of an embarrassment I was at the weekend when we were out. Sometimes I would rather just not know…

It is also really weird because I have such intense dreams, sometimes they are so life like that even when I have been awake for awhile I will think it has actually happened. For example I had this dream where this person had sent me this really lovely text message(a person I liked of course) but then got really confused because I could not find it on my phone. Then I realised I had dreamt it and got annoyed because I had actually been so flattered but it was just my dreams getting one over on me. Last nights dream I was with the person I really like, I have been trying to get him out of my head because I know how bad for you it is to get caught up with someone. But in the dream it all just felt amazing, everything just seemed to fall into place. I definitely do over analyze my dreams, my friends and I used to use dream dictionaries to figure out their meanings and I could literally sit for hours talking about that stuff it really does fascinate me.So yeh it makes me think, is this my conscience telling me to just man up, just tell him exactly how I feel and put my guard down for the first time ever. This is such a scary thing to do and something we all experience, some of us are a lot braver than others and can just do it. But for me that opening up, that letting the guard down, wearing my heart on my sleeve just means I am so vulnerable. So open to just get hurt. I know pain is only temporary but it is just human instinct to want to avoid pain. But part of being alive is getting hurt and inevitably it is going to happen. It is like when I get on my horse it is not a matter of ‘if’ I fall off but rather ‘when’ because it is going to happen that is just the risk you have to take.

So basically, always support those close to you and remember we are all human beings who feel emotions. We are going to get hurt but it is how we overcome this pain as to how it shapes us as people. Oh and I have weird dreams and I love my mates.

P.S managed 5 days without social media !

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Goal Setting and Valentines Day

Hii,

So I have managed to stay away from all my social medias and I can honestly say I feel so liberated and already in such a better mindset. It truly is like having a cleanse of the mind and not constantly having to check up on what everyone else is up to(which on social media is always portrayed to be absolutely amazing/out of this world which makes you feel even worse about yourself). I am beginning to realise what truly is important in life…mainly….

-Your own health(both mental and physical)

-Your education

-Your family/friends/anyone positive to surround yourself with

Some aspects of life other people will never be able to have control over is your own work ethic. Whether this be that you are studying hard for exams or putting in the effort to fulfil your dream job, no person no boy no girl can take away your self determination and drive to succeed.  As cliche as it does sound and I do realise that there may be certain ‘societal boundaries’ but you truly can be what you want to be. Just because your journey of reaching this goal may not be the preferred or even stereotypical way that society has drilled us into us of it being. It does not make it unachievable. Heck it makes it your own story and something that distinguishes you from everyone else.

It is just so easy to compare our chapter ones with someone else’s chapter 20, the problem I think  is is that we all just look for a ‘quick fix’. Such as a way to make loads of money and fast(big emphasis on life is having to have money apparently…) but in reality many of the highest earners have had to put in years and years of literal blood sweat and tears into creating their brands before they even started to make profits or become respected in their chosen areas. Again social media does play a role in this, it is such an easy platform to just compare yourself with people and see what you have not got. Rather than actually just focusing on your own strengths + individuality and how you can play this to your advantage. Like now, right now just write a list of what you are good at/what you enjoy, sometimes having a physical piece of paper to look at can literally open your eyes to how great of a person you are with so much going for you. The list can have anything on it, even just something simple like ‘I’m good at listening’. The first step to realising your own potential is actually waking yourself up to your own strengths, get out of that lull and remember…You are amazing, you are unique and you are the best version of yourself.

I am also writing this blog on ‘Valentines Day’, which most people usually respond with ‘urgh’ when they hear those two words uttered. I think the whole concept of Valentines Day is really sweet and allows people to show their appreciation for each other. But people have this misconception that it is just for couples..nah forget that and just go for a cute dinner date with your best mate to show how much you care about them. Valentines Day should go beyond this stereotypical relationship day but be the day that you can show your love towards anyone special to you, a family member or a friend even. I also love Valentines day because it means tomorrow there will be loads of reduced chocolate, love a good bargain! A treat to me from me, a lovely example of treating yourself which none of us should be afraid of doing!

I guess being single on Valentines day some people find it heightens their singleness and makes them feel even worse about not having that special someone to share it with. But honestly there is nothing wrong with being single, just like being in a relationship there are always pros and cons to both situations. I have been single on every Valentines Day of my mere 20 years of life, where as pretty much most of my close girl/guy mates are in serious relationships and right as I type this are currently on their cute little dates. And I could not be happier for them, I love seeing my friends happy and being treated so well because they all deserve it. Dont get me wrong, I would love to be spending this day with someone special but I have not yet met anyone who I truly have connected with or maybe someone who felt the same way about me as I do about them. There is always someone on my mind which again is why I wanted to get rid of my social media because I needed to stop being concerned over what they were doing/why they were not showing me the attention I showed them. I will probably go into more detail about ‘boys’ in later blog posts and all I have learnt from being in cahoots with them(albeit the hard way of learning..).

So yeh I am feeling positive, I have gotten more uni work done today and I am starting to make a plan of action to prepare me for my deadlines rather than allow myself to stress/breakdown over it all. I am also really excited for my mother because tomorrow we are getting a horse vetted so fingers crossed it passes and soon we will have a new arrival. My mother is truly my biggest role model/inspiration and if I grow up to be half of the woman she is than I truly will be thankful. I know everyone rants about how amazing their parents are but that is one thing I am forever grateful for because your parents actions are something you have no control over and I guess it is luck how you get on with them. Luckily mine are amazing and have always put my brothers and I first making sure they have provided us with the best upbringing of their ability. Big love for them.

Thanks for reading x